Nexus
by Adrian Kyle
Summary: You thought that the original Kirk and Spock never saw each other again after they killed Kirk in "Generations." You were wrong. Featuring both Kirks, both Spocks, and a special guest appearance by Jean-Luc Picard.
1. Chapter 1

They told him Jim was dead.

Spock was in the middle of negotiating the treaty that the Federation was trying to make with the Klingons when he felt a tap on his shoulder. Quietly, politely he excused himself and walked outside of the conference room.

"Message for you, Ambassador Spock," said the young man who had come in to get him, "It's from Starfleet."

Spock raised his right eyebrow. What could Starfleet want with him so urgently? He had spoken to them about how the talks were going and received instructions not an hour ago. Spock was concerned. His bond with Jim had felt strangely empty all morning—it was not dead, but he sensed none of Jim's thoughts. It was as if his mind had become still. Could something have happened? Spock turned to the screen on the wall and pushed a few buttons. "Spock here," he said.

Two familiar faces popped up on the screen. "Gentlemen," said Spock, "I understand that you and the captain were to see the Enterprise off today."

Scotty bit his lip and Chekov looked away. It was then that Spock noticed the looks of deep sadness on their faces, which were made so small by the screen. Scotty nodded. "There was an accident. Nobody knows wha' happened. Jim's gone, Spock."

Spock put his hand on the wall to steady himself. Reigning in his shock, he straightened up. "I shall of course come back at once. When…" He swallowed. "When is the funeral to be?"

Scotty looked somewhat surprised. "Well, that's your decision, as his next of kin, isn' it? But I've got ta warn ya, Spock, there is no body."

"What do you mean?" asked Spock, trying to raise his eyebrow again but finding this casual gesture hard to pull off.

"We are not sure what happened," piped up Chekov. He and Scotty then began to relate what had happened. Spock cleared his throat. "Perhaps later, gentlemen," he said, "I must go now."

He turned the screen off.

In a daze, Spock excused himself from the conferences. He made his way back to Starfleet.

They gave Jim a hero's send-off. To Spock, as illogical as the idea seemed, something didn't feel right. The conspicuous absence of even a piece of the man who everyone had known and loved so well weighed heavily on Spock's mind. It was as if he was not dead at all. Spock had very little grief to master—it was as if a massive bottle of it was sitting uncomfortably in his chest, but it was corked so that he could not access it. He looked around at the funeral's attendees. He seemed to be the only one who was having this experience. Chekov, Scotty, Uhura, Sulu and Chapel were all standing with tears streaming down their faces. McCoy had his head bent low, and Spock could not see his face. Spock's mother, who had grown quite fond of Jim over the years, was crying. Carol Marcus, mother of Jim's only child, was there as well. Poor David. Had Spock known that his life would be sacrificed in order for Spock to be saved, Spock would never have wanted saving. He occasionally found himself wondering if Jim would have come after him anyway if he had known what the outcome was going to be. Spock had never had the courage (or tactlessness) to ask. But such speculation was useless.

McCoy spoke. "People always used to ask Jim what advice he could give to up-and-coming Starfleet officers. He always said something like 'Surround yourself with the best people you know and you should be all right.' Well, the man may have had a point." Some people smiled. McCoy continued. "But what he didn't realize was that this only works if the person in command is willing to listen to and value what the people around him have to say. It only works if his crew respects him and is devoted to him. Jim inspired the people around him to be the best they could be. He knew how to reason with people. People say he was a man of many passions, but he knew when and how to leave these passions behind. He was an open-minded thinker and a natural-born leader. He saved my life more times than I care to remember, and I wish…" McCoy cleared his throat, "I wish that I could have been there this time to return the favor."

Whatever had been keeping Spock's grief in check burst. He should have been there—it was his responsibility to be there.

At the same time, Spock realized that he was being illogical. His work was important, and he had had no way of knowing what was to happen to Jim. All the same, he had let the man he loved die alone. Jim had always said he knew it would be like that, but it was supposed to happen years in the future. He and Jim could have had so much more time…

Spock declined to speak.

Later, Spock's father walked up to him. Looking uncertain, he said, "I am…truly sorry…for what has happened."

Spock inclined his head slightly, somewhat surprised at his father's unusually emotional words. His mother, who was clearly fighting both the urge to cry and the urge to embrace her son, tried valiantly to smile.

***

For Spock, life became a series of firsts since Jim. Spock's first meal without Jim came almost a week after Spock first received the news. It was not until he began to grow physically weak that it occurred to him to take food. Jim's birthday passed a couple of months later, and a couple of months after that the first Starfleet class to graduate without Jim graduated. Spock noted the first anniversary of their bonding ceremony for which Jim was not present. A couple of years later, Spock had his first ponn farr without Jim. In the years they had been together, Spock's ponn farr had been a time of heat, energy and joy. Now, with Jim's death still so near, Spock barely even felt the normally devastating effects of it. All Spock had to do to make his feelings of urgency go away was think of Jim. In a few days, he was back to normal.

The treaty with the Klingons had gone well. Spock's was once again a household name throughout the Federation. They kept him busy, sending him around the galaxy as a representative. Spock kept busy, and all in all it was not unpleasing work.

However, there was something nagging at the back of his mind. He couldn't figure out what it was that was making him think this way, but he had a feeling—an illogical, unfounded feeling—that Jim was not lost forever.


	2. Chapter 2

Not a TNG fan, but it seemed conducive to make this segment from Picard's POV. Hope I did him justice.

* * *

"Ah, Captain Picard. We meet again."

Picard inclined his head slightly. "Ambassador Spock," he acknowledged.

They were at a formal party for high-ranking Federation officials. Picard felt slightly out of place amongst the crowd of well-known ambassadors, ministers of important boards, representatives, and admirals. He had never even met most of them. Then Picard had spotted Spock in the corner. He didn't normally attribute things to fate, but in that moment he said to himself _I knew there was a reason I wound up here, of all places, tonight_. Picard had hoped to run into the ambassador again. He had something important to tell him.

"I thought you were still on Romulus," said Picard.

"Until quite recently, you would have been correct," said Spock, "I was visiting my home planet, and I was asked if I wanted to attend a Federation function. It seemed like more of an order than a request, and I thought it was time I showed some good will towards authority again." He paused. "What's more, I found upon my arrival on Vulcan that there wasn't much left there that bore visiting. I had extra time." Picard thought he caught a hint of bitterness in Spock's voice, but he dismissed the thought. Spock was unlikely to betray even that much emotion to someone he barely knew.

"So," said Spock, "how is the Enterprise these days?"

Picard smiled. "Wonderful, Ambassador."

"It pleases me to hear it, although I doubt I would recognize her anymore."

"There have been several Enterprises since your time, it's true."

"Indeed. And you destroyed at least one of them, if what I hear is correct."

Picard nodded. "How much of that story have you heard?" he asked.

Spock looked at him piercingly. "That is all."

"I believe the rest of it would interest you as well," said Picard. He began to relate to Spock everything that had happened before and during his time in the Nexus. When he got to the part about Kirk, he thought he saw Spock's jaw tighten.

"Let's go outside," Spock said, "where we won't be interrupted."

It was freezing on the balcony. The day, which had been unseasonably warm, had turned into a chilly night. Sure enough, they were the only two people out there.

"He…Kirk…is still alive?" asked Spock intently. His eyes glimmered faintly in the semidarkness.

"Not exactly," said Picard, "You see, I convinced him to wish his way out of the Nexus with me and help me stop Soran. He did, but he was killed in the process."

Silence fell. Spock was looking off into the distance. "Why did you tell me this?" he asked after a moment.

"When he realized he was going to die, Kirk asked me if I knew you and would pass on a message. I said I would. He told me to tell you to 'come find him.'"

Spock was puzzled. "You just said he knew he was dying."

"I did."

Spock raised an eyebrow. "They what do you suppose he could have meant by 'come find me?'"

"I've been thinking about that," said Picard, "and I believe he may have thought that he would wind up back in the Nexus. He wished his way out of it, but perhaps he thought that he was still under its influence and that his death would put him back under its control." He paused. "And if I know how the Nexus works, all you would have to do is go in and wish he was there for him to be there."

One of the Federation hotshots poked his hear out of the door. "Greetings Ambassador, Captain. My god, it's freezing out here! Jean-Luc, come here, there's someone I want you to meet."

Picard excused himself, leaving Spock to look pensively into the night.

***

Arriving back at the rooms he was staying in, Spock was, once again, unsure of what to do.

Tracking down the Nexus would not be a problem for someone with his skills. Acquiring a ship would be even easier, considering his status. Avoiding questions would be difficult, but not impossible. No, what Spock was concerned about was the nature of the Nexus itself.

He had learned from his very first days at Starfleet not to trust anything that seemed to grant ultimate happiness. Picard's account of the man who went mad trying to get back to the Nexus once he had left seemed only to confirm his mistrust. And even if he did decide to go, would Spock even find the same Jim, or would it be an image of him conjured up by the cloud? Spock had no doubt that the Nexus would make a Jim that looked, talked, and acted exactly as Spock remembered. It could give him all the right memories and mannerisms so that no one would be able to tell it was not him. Spock did not want to face such an apparition. He would rather have lived with the cold tombstone and empty grave than have to face a Jim Kirk puppet. Spock wasn't interested in meeting any version of Jim that did not contain Jim's soul.

On the other hand, Jim had specifically told Spock to meet him. Jim could not have had any scientific knowledge of the Nexus, so his instructions must have been based purely on intuition. Spock knew that, however inexplicably, Jim's intuition was usually correct. Spock would not let him down if there was even a chance he was still out there.

Spock sat down and began to formulate a plan.


	3. Chapter 3

Spock's human side was acting up again.

He was trying not to feel excited. After all, he had no idea if this was going to work. This whole trip was one of the least logical things he had ever embarked upon. Picard had provided no evidence to confirm his theory about what Jim had meant—it was pure speculation.

On the other hand, Spock had had a feeling that Jim was out there somewhere. When you were as close to someone as he was to Jim, you just knew these things.

Spock inched closer to the Nexus in his one-man vessel. He was entering visual range. The swirling cloud undulated temptingly in from of him as he moved closer, steering the craft so that it stopped just short of the gigantic ribbon that seemed to extend endlessly in both directions. Spock wondered how he would be able to leave the Nexus once he had entered. Would he simply have to want to leave? And would Spock even be able to convince himself that he wanted to leave? He was needed elsewhere. He had to leave eventually. How much time would pass before he found his way out? Would time pass the same way inside the Nexus as out?

Spock banished these thoughts. Jim had saved Spock's life at great personal loss when Spock had asked. He could not question Jim now. He steered the craft into the Nexus.

Almost instantly he found himself on the bridge of the Enterprise. It looked exactly as it had during Spock's first five-year mission under Jim. He could almost see Uhura, Scotty, Chekov and Sulu at their stations. McCoy would have been standing over there, next to the captain's chair. And Jim would be sitting in that chair, smiling.

But the bridge was empty. Spock was perplexed. "Jim?" he inquired.

"Right here," said someone from behind Spock.

Spock spun around. Jim.

Spock grabbed him and held him tightly to his chest. He was forcibly reminded of his (at the time) rather embarrassing emotional reaction so many years ago, when, returning from Vulcan after his first ponn farr, he found out that he had not killed the captain. Such memories no longer bothered Spock. It had taken him years to realize it, but in moments like those—moments like these—Spock was more alive than at any other time.

Kirk had been caught slightly off guard by the intensity of Spock's greeting, but now he moved his arms from his sides where Spock had pinned them to return the greeting.

"Spock," he murmured, "how long has it been?"

"Eighty years."

"So Picard told you soon after he met me. Good."

"Jim…" Spock said, breaking away and looking into Kirk's face, "is this really you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Are you really Jim Kirk, or are you some fantasy that the Nexus created for me?"

"It's me. Do you want to prove it? Mind meld with me."

Spock hesitated, then obliged.

At once, he felt as though he had sunk into a tub of warm water. It was Jim in there, all right. His consciousness was so familiar. There could be no mistake.

"I became a part of the Nexus when my body died," Kirk said as Spock withdrew from his mind, "I am always here, and will always appear if someone in the Nexus is thinking of me. I don't sense time, nor do I age. I can look any way I want, any way you want me to look." Kirk had appeared the way he did the last time Spock had seen him, but now his image blurred. After a moment it grew sharper again, and this time Kirk looked the way he had when he was 35. "See? I am like any other part of the Nexus, appearing and disappearing when you want. The only difference is that I am really who I seem to be when I appear."

Spock could not stop staring. Jim looked so young and so beautiful. And yet…

Kirk must have sensed his uncertainty, because all of a sudden he was sixty again. "Good choice, Spock. Let's not delude ourselves." He looked at Spock critically. "You know, since I stopped aging 80 years ago, we finally look the same age again. By now, you've got to be…my god…"

"143."

"143. You look good, Spock. We would have looked ridiculous at 100, wouldn't we? I would have looked old enough to be your father by then." *

Spock didn't smile.

"Hmm. Not a funny joke, I suppose," said Kirk, "Let's go somewhere more comfortable to talk, shall we?"

The two suddenly found themselves in a grassy field. There was a tree about 20 meters away that they headed towards to shelter from the hot sun. Spock was in shock. After his initial greeting, their meeting had taken on a level of intimacy such that one would expect from a dead fish.

"How is everyone?" asked Kirk, as though they were simply out to lunch, "the old crew, you know?"

"Dead," Spock replied, "All dead. McCoy died about five years ago and Chekov died a year after that, but everyone else has been dead for at least fifteen years."

Kirk exhaled grimly. "I should have known." They sat down under the tree. "And your fath—"

"Dead," said Spock, "Around the same time as the doctor."

Kirk shook his head. "It's hard, outliving your friends."

Spock nodded. "We all had to outlive you." The tears that Spock had not shed when Kirk died (or since, for that matter) were threatening to form in Spock's eyes. Kirk looked devastated.

"Spock…" He grabbed Spock's hand. "Spock, I'm sorry it had to be this way. I'm sorry I left you to spend most of your life alone. I'm sorry. So sorry."

Spock nodded. "I'm sorry I wasn't there when it happened. You shouldn't have died alone."

"I always knew I would, Spock."

"Yes, but some day, Jim, you will realize that your splendid intuition does not _always_ triumph over logic." Spock smiled as he spoke.

"Logically," said Kirk, "You had no way of knowing you had to be there, Spock."

"I still might have saved you. I should have been more intuitive. All those reporters, that incompetent failure Harriman…something had to go wrong."

"Speaking of captains of the Enterprise," said Kirk, "how is that Picard fellow doing? He seemed to know what he was doing."

"He does."

"Good." Silence fell. "He told me you remarried." Spock looked up from his hand, which was still lightly touching Kirk's. "He just mentioned it in passing. You know how it is."

The frigidity of the situation made sense now. "I had to, Jim," said Spock, "You know how Vulcans work. I waited 37 years."

Kirk nodded. "How much does she know about us?"

"Everything."

"Does she know where you are now?"

Spock paused. "I travel frequently and have spent much of my time on Romulus recently, so we seldom see each other. But yes, I think she has some idea. She senses my consciousness the same way you used to. I didn't tell her, but I don't need to."

Kirk nodded. "Do you love her?"

"I love you, Jim."

Unbelievably, Spock had never said that before. He had always just responded to Jim's professions of love with 'yes' or 'and I you.' He realized that just coming out and saying it was a completely different story, and one of his biggest regrets after Kirk's death was the he had never simply looked Kirk in the face and told him that he loved him.

Kirk seemed to glow. "I love you, Spock."

"I missed you."

Their lips met as they pulled each other close. It was as if they had never parted as they ran their hands up and down each other, remembering the feel of every surface and relishing that these memories were becoming reality. It didn't matter that they were older, it didn't matter that death had twice separated them. Jim's warm weight pressed close to Spock's chest seemed to warm that place deep inside of him that had felt so cold all of these years.

To Spock, it was well worth the eighty year wait.

***

"I have to go," said Spock, "I will miss you."

Several days had passed, or perhaps several months. Neither Kirk nor Spock was sure.

"Spock," said Kirk, "when you are very, very old and think you are dying, do you think…" he paused, "Do you remember when you took Pike to Talos IV after he was injured?"

"Yes. And you want me to do as Pike did and come here when everything is done and I am old and dying so that we can be together forever, correct?"

"Something like that."

"Of course, Jim."

After one final kiss, Spock stepped away from Kirk. He thought about his little shuttlecraft, and all of a sudden he was there. He looked at the clock. Only half an hour had passed since he had entered the Nexus. "Goodbye for now, t'hy'la," he said to the empty space.

* * *

* Vulcans live longer, so I'm assuming they also age more slowly.


	4. Chapter 4

The universe was playing tricks on Spock.

He had gone backwards and forwards in time half a dozen times in his lifetime, but he had never been to a parallel universe. Now that he had been sucked into a black hole, that had changed. He had apparently been sent back in time 129 years into an alternate reality. The Romulans had at least told him that much before they marooned him here on Delta Vega.

Spock could literally see Vulcan in broad daylight from where he was standing. This had been a source of simple frustration at first, but then his frustration became pure, blinding fear. "You will feel what you have made us feel," Nero had growled.

Was Spock here to witness the destruction of Vulcan?

He didn't have to wait long to find out.

And now he had met this universe's version of Jim. He was looking impossibly young, and he had a look on his face that Spock did not recognize and certainly did not like. Spock had seem Jim Kirk look afraid before, but not the same way this one had when Spock had saved him from the hengrauggi.* There was an arrogance about him that the other Jim had had little of during his Academy days and none of later on. This Jim was not well-educated and studious like the Jim Spock had known, and Spock was fairly certain that this Jim could never beat him at chess.

Spock had come to terms with his loss. He had accepted it, found peace with it, achieved closure, moved on. And now there was this imitation of Jim, this insult to the one Spock remembered, standing in front of him.

Perhaps Spock was being too harsh. Same person, same potential. But this new Jim had raised an interesting question in Spock's mind—had Jim been an inherently incredible person, or had he learned it somehow? Was this new man as worthy as the old one?

Either way, this Jim Kirk deserved a chance. And if Spock's counterpart was up on the Enterprise following orders as he was wont to do, Spock knew he had to take a chance and trust Jim one last time. If all went well, Jim Kirk was about to break his own record and become, at 25, the youngest Starship captain in history.

***

The Enterprise pulled out of space dock amidst cheers. Spock sighed. How he wished he was on that bridge with Jim…

_His_ Jim. _This_ Jim had a Spock of his own to discover. Hopefully, they would find each other eventually.

Spock's counterpart had seemed different, too. There was already more emotion in his voice and in his eyes that Spock had ever routinely displayed in public, and he seemed, well…a lot more interested in girls than Spock had ever been. Spock shook his head and smiled inwardly. Maybe this new Kirk and this new Spock would have what he and Jim had. Maybe not. Things were different here, and if things ended up differently there was nothing Spock could do about it. It was the natural course of things. It was not up to Spock to decide what was right for other people, even if they had the same genetic code as he did.

And maybe, just maybe, in this universe Spock would still have the Nexus.

* * *

*Apparently, that's what those giant white things are called.


End file.
